Please note: This was a post that went missing last week. It just now showed up and if I want it to be apart of the blog, I must repost it. I apoligize. This is a result of Blogger's issues last week
I find myself struggling a little bit lately. Ok maybe more than a little bit. I think its a struggle with myself more than anything else. I feel overwhelmed, even though really, I shouldn't. I guess lately it just feels like there has been a lot. Sickness in both me and the boys, and with Ethan not feeling well off and on for a while, Dylan has been acting out, which tests my patience everyday. When I try to do things with Dylan it doesn't seem to work out very well for one reason or another. Each day I need a bit of time to myself. That is getting less and less with each passing day. I am having a hard time adjusting to that too. Truth is Dylan is getting older and doesn't need a nap anymore. Even though he stopped sleeping, I still have him go to his room for a little while in the afternoons. Downtime for him and for me. Unfortunately that doesn't always work out. So like I said, time to myself is less and less. In a way I get time in the evenings once the boys go to bed, but not really time to myself because Ryan is here. Now wait, don't get me wrong, I love having him here in the evenings. I need him here in the evenings. All I am saying is that if I don't get that bit of time in the afternoon, then it doesn't happen the rest of the day either. Doesn't everyone need time to themselves?
Like I said, my patience has been severely lacking. Its all a circle. One leads back to the other. Ethan is whiny and needy. Dylan acts out. I lose my patience for anything. Not everyday is bad, and I don't want to scream everyday. But right now I am having more of those "I'm going to scream" days than those "this has been a wonderful day" days. I do want to say one thing. These kids make me smile every single day. I could not imagine my life without either. Just because I am having a hard time with myself doesn't mean I don't love them or that I love them any less. I guess I am starting to get a little defensive aren't I? I am not happy with the person I am right now. Mainly the mom that I am right now. I just can't seem to find a good balance with the boys. I lose my patience with both too easily. I find myself throwing my hands in the air and walking away a lot. I know this all will pass, but RIGHT NOW, its here and its how I feel. After all of that, I know how lucky I am. I have a great family. A husband who I love with everything inside of me, who I miss daily, and who stands behind me no matter what. We share 2 beautiful, thriving kids together and we have a roof over our heads. I am thankful for so much. I am human though, and I make mistakes. I am not perfect. I am not right all of the time, I am not wrong all of the time. I have my own struggles and triumphs. I am who I am.