I have been having a hard time recently. I have done a few posts on it recently. Everyone is probably tired of hearing me complain. Today its just all hitting me. Before breakfast was even finished I was crying. It just hits me and I have nothing else I can do but melt into tears. A series of small things keep hitting me. For the last 3 weeks Ryan has been so busy with a new project. A project that he told me would NOT take him away from home any more than he was. That has not been the case. For the last 3 weeks he has been gone a lot. He isn't home until 7:30 or 8 most nights. He isn't even home on the weekends. He has spent zero time with the kids. And its all on me. It's becoming a bit much for me. I am tired of being here alone. All of the time.
And that photography class that I am taking? I was so excited for it. Excited to finally have something FOR ME. Do something JUST for me. Nobody else. All of the fun gets taken out of it when I come home close to 10pm and have to clean up in the kitchen. Plates on the table. Some with food still on them. Ethan's tray, still dirty. Not wiped. Left overs just tossed in the fridge, not properly put into containers or even covered. Dirty dishes just tossed in the sink. I don't think I ask much from Ryan. This is one class, one evening a week for ONLY 7 weeks! Is it too much to ask to come home and see things cleaned up after dinner? No, not really. It's just one more thing that gets to me. One more little thing on top of the pile of all these little things that are slowly eating away at me. I never do anything for myself. This class was supposed to be something enjoyable for me. And its just not. Not when I have to come home and deal with something that should have been taken care of. It bothers me that I can't have something for myself.
And here I am feeling guilty! I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. For feeling like I cant handle it all right now. I feel guilty for getting angry about the mess in the kitchen. I feel guilty for wanting to get out alone. I feel guilty for wanting something for myself. My God I can't even describe to you how guilty I feel. I feel guilty for writing this. But I have to get it out. I have to. I just want things to be normal again. I have tried focusing on things that make me happy. Focusing what is good. But just doesn't help. I am not saying that everything is gloom and doom around here, because its not. I guess that's where some of the guilt comes in.
Part of me feels like some sort of failure. Because I can't keep myself together. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't have written this. So far its not making me feel any better. Maybe I should've just kept it all to myself. But then again, that doesn't work either. It gets bottled up and then ends in tears. See...guilt. I know this will end eventually and things will be back to normal. Right now though, I'm exhausted inside.