Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Emotionally Exhausted

I have been having a hard time recently. I have done a few posts on it recently. Everyone is probably tired of hearing me complain. Today its just all hitting me. Before breakfast was even finished I was crying. It just hits me and I have nothing else I can do but melt into tears. A series of small things keep hitting me. For the last 3 weeks Ryan has been so busy with a new project. A project that he told me would NOT take him away from home any more than he was. That has not been the case. For the last 3 weeks he has been gone a lot. He isn't home until 7:30 or 8 most nights. He isn't even home on the weekends. He has spent zero time with the kids. And its all on me. It's becoming a bit much for me. I am tired of being here alone. All of the time.
And that photography class that I am taking? I was so excited for it. Excited to finally have something FOR ME. Do something JUST for me. Nobody else. All of the fun gets taken out of it when I come home close to 10pm and have to clean up in the kitchen. Plates on the table. Some with food still on them. Ethan's tray, still dirty. Not wiped. Left overs just tossed in the fridge, not properly put into containers or even covered. Dirty dishes just tossed in the sink. I don't think I ask much from Ryan. This is one class, one evening a week for ONLY 7 weeks! Is it too much to ask to come home and see things cleaned up after dinner? No, not really. It's just one more thing that gets to me. One more little thing on top of the pile of all these little things that are slowly eating away at me. I never do anything for myself. This class was supposed to be something enjoyable for me. And its just not. Not when I have to come home and deal with something that should have been taken care of. It bothers me that I can't have something for myself.
And here I am feeling guilty! I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. For feeling like I cant handle it all right now. I feel guilty for getting angry about the mess in the kitchen. I feel guilty for wanting to get out alone. I feel guilty for wanting something for myself. My God I can't even describe to you how guilty I feel. I feel guilty for writing this. But I have to get it out. I have to. I just want things to be normal again. I have tried focusing on things that make me happy. Focusing what is good. But just doesn't help. I am not saying that everything is gloom and doom around here, because its not. I guess that's where some of the guilt comes in.
Part of me feels like some sort of failure. Because I can't keep myself together. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't have written this. So far its not making me feel any better. Maybe I should've just kept it all to myself. But then again, that doesn't work either. It gets bottled up and then ends in tears. See...guilt. I know this will end eventually and things will be back to normal. Right now though, I'm exhausted inside.


  1. Christina, I totally hear you... . Many times I feel the same and I experience the same. A few times I had had moms nigh out just to come back to a huge mess... everywhere... in an every corner of our living room and the kitchen. plates not clean, table so dirty and sticky (and dry so I had to srubb it after all). ugh... I just lost interests in moms nighs out... literally. My husbands helps me with our daughter but he doesn't get it... I wish that maybe for one day a month I didn't have to do a darn thing. He nevers put dishes to a dishwasher or clean after himself. Normally it doesn't bother me but somedays I can't stand it. I am tired of being always the maid, the nanny, the wife and mother. I wish for one day to be just myself. The old myslef. With a book in hand, good coffee surrounded by peace and silence... .

    Do not feel guilty for anything you wrote, for anything you feel. You have the right to that. Maybe try to talk with R. honestly and openly about how you feel.

    hugs from my corner!

  2. Thank you for those kind words and the hugs. You're right, normally it doesn't bother me, but other days it does. Thank you.

  3. I can really relate to what you are saying. We just had our second 3 months ago. It's been a really hard adjustment for me and having the weight of the whole family on me is rough. I feel guilty, too, talking about because I don't want to seem ungrateful for the opportunity to stay home with my kids. It's so hard feeling like you've lost a whole chunk of yourself because you have a family now. I feel like my entire identity these days is that I am a mom. I never get a break. I miss alone time, I miss the relationship I had with my husband, I miss me.

    BUT....this too shall pass. Your kids are only this small once and you will be able to do all the things you want soon. When that time comes, I know you'll miss these days. Might be hard to imagine now, but you will. Hang in there Mama.


  4. Carmen, thank you. Good luck with your second! Yeah, the guilt! I dont want to seem ungrateful either, because I am grateful. I know it will pass. Again, thank you for sympathizing with me.

  5. I totally understand where you are coming from. I haven't been out ALONE without kids for almost 3 years. One is always with me, and it's only going to get "worse" with another on the way. And I feel guilty for saying worse, because I love my daughters. We just all need time for ourselves.

    I feel like a horrible mother if I "complain" about it. But then I feel guilty because I know what I think and how I feel.

    So, even though I have no words of encouragement, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone and as you know, it'll pass.


  6. Oh yeah- times like this seem to be more frequent when the babies are smaller. Everything seems more overwhelming. I feel for you my dear but just focus on those better times when things will get easier- I promise!

  7. Thank you both! I means a lot that you took the time to say something.
    Megan, I understand your guilt. Big hugs to you!

  8. Christina, I am so sorry that you are having a rough time right now. When my daughter was first born, my husband was gone ALL THE TIME! I had terrible postpartum depression and I was SO overwhelmed. I cried ALL the time and I felt guilty for resenting my husband and even my daughter, and for not LOVING being a stay-at-home mom. I just felt like a failure. But, once I started owning my feelings, it helped me find ways to make them better. One of the things that really helped me was journaling (that was before I discovered blogging :) Even if I wrote the same thing EVERY DAY for A WEEK, it helped to get it out and see it on paper. I also found that the more I let it out, the better I felt. My husband and I also had LOTS of "words" during that time. It took a long time for me to make him understand that I NEEDED help, but eventually he got on board. I know you may feeling like your nagging and whining when you talk to your husband about it, but he needs to understand that sometimes you just need REAL help. Not just feed the kids dinner and put them to bed help, like fold a load of clothes or clean up the kitchen help.

    I'm sorry you are so overwhelmed, just please know that I completely understand. Please know that I am thinking of you today and if I were there the first thing I would do is give you a big hug :)

  9. Ashley, thank you so much. It is nice to have people understand and say "its ok to feel what you feel." You described my feelings pretty well. Im glad you made it through. I know I will get past this too. Thank you!


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