Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I have had a headache for over 12 hours now. It just will not go away. It greatly reduces my patience. I am so thankful today that Ryan took Dylan with him. This doesn't happen very often, but a lot of the times, its just not possible. I am so glad that today is a day that he could. Dylan was beyond thrilled to be going with his daddy.
Ethan in these last few days, has been beyond grumpy. I think he may be working on more teeth. I haven't seen signs of more poking through, but that doesn't mean he isn't in pain. I give him tylenol off and on, and when he has a dose, it seems to help for a short while. In a month or so he will be old enough for ibuprofen. That stuff works ten times better than tylenol.
I am starting to really dislike breastfeeding. I feel unbelievably guilty for feeling this way. Ethan is not easy to feed though. He tugs, jerks, pinches, is off and on, wiggles, and squirms. No matter how hungry he is, he is doing something that makes it unpleasant. He goes through phases where he really really hurts me. I get a very intense burning pain during and after. I dread nursing him. It feels so wrong to even say that, but that's what I feel. The guilt from feeling that way eats away at me. I feel wrong for saying this but, if formula weren't so expensive, I think I would switch. I keep telling myself, that I can stop in January once he turns a year old. That's my goal at least. But its hard. January is a while away. I would just pump and feed him through a bottle, but I can't get anything from the breast pump. I'm afraid that if I tried to switch from nursing, to pumping, that my supply would not be maintained, and I would have to buy formula. I just don't respond well to the breast pump. I feel so guilty for wanting to stop nursing. I'm not saying that I am going to stop, just that I would like to. The pain, the frustration gets to me after a while. I love him so much, I just want whats best for him.

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